Anxiety and postnatal Depression (my experiences with both)

Hey, all my lovely blog readers, It's time I tell you a little bit of my story and how I've battled and still battering the ever so delightful effects of Anxiety and postnatal depression.  

My anxiety began when I was around 8 years old, I hated school and it got to the point of me being sick due to nerves, I'd struggle to make any friends and if I did, I would suck at keeping friendships because I'd much prefer being alone. One of my most significant school memories was world book day usually, children look forward to this occasion and are super excited to dress up, However not me, I can't remember exactly what I was wearing, but it was something to do with Roald Dahl. At home I loved it. I was dancing around recreating the parts in the book and I refused to take it off. Arriving at school was a whole different story, I began to sweat, I was red in the face, and I couldn't stop shaking. It took my mum over twenty minutes to persuade me to enter the classroom and another twenty minutes for me to feel relaxed enough to take off my coat, I was a nervous wreck, so afraid of people laughing at me.

I couldn't handle large group activities, I'd clam up and even if I knew an answer, I'd refuse to speak which caused a lot of problems with my learning, it was an extremely tough time.

Throughout my teen years, things didn't get any better, I again struggled to make friends, I'd refuse to play outside, refuse to attend parties, I kind of put up a wall, I wouldn't speak to anybody, and tried my hardest to get on with my work. As you can imagine I was bullied however, I neglected to tell anybody at home I would pretend I had a good day because I was so ashamed and embarrassed. Staying home in my little bubble was much more appealing to me than venturing out trying to string a sentence together without mumbling and stuttering, having to deal with the uncomfortable silences and judgments. 

Now I'm an adult I've got a lot better than I was, I'm more confident now even though I still suffer anxiety, and trust me it's horrendous at times, but I have certain ways how I to deal with it and I understand how important it is to talk to somebody, anybody that will listen because bottling things up is the worst thing I ever did. 

Being a mum now I have struggled sooooooo much to make friends with other mums, hanging around at the school gates is terrifying. I usually turn up late on purpose so I can avoid the interactions with people, and If I am early I'll put on a brave face, take a deep breath, smile and try my best to act normal and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and I'm left standing around trying my best to avoid a panic attack. Once I was asked out for a dinner, of course, I naturally refused, I made up some lame excuse, and instead I sat at home with a cup of tea and watched rubbish on the tv, wishing I had accompanied them. 

So yeah anxiety F*****G sucks and this is not the only form of anxiety I experience. 

I also suffer from health anxiety which affects me every single day, not a day goes by where I don't think I'm dying in some way. Any pain or ache I feel I'm convinced I've got some sort of disease, and then the inevitable happens what do you think that is?????

Yep you guessed it, I grab my phone and google every single symptom and that's it, I'm pacing up and down the room shaking like a leaf, bombarding my family with phone calls and texts asking if they have the same symptoms and if I should call a doctor or not (yes I realize I'm waisting doctors valuable time, but at that moment I'm convinced I'm some sort of emergency)

You can imagine, ever since covid 19 started, I've been unbearable and I admit that. Lockdown was awful for some people however, I loved it, staying at home, ignoring the world around me, and now things are slowly becoming normal again my Anxiety has begun to creep back up on me. This brings me to my depression.

Ever since I had my son, I suffered postnatal depression, I struggled with intrusive thoughts and I can honestly say now that I became close to ending it all. I understand that was completely selfish of me, I mean I just had my baby, he needed his Mumma but his Mumma was falling apart, The unbearable pain I felt every day wondering If I was even good enough to have a baby, thinking he would be better off without me or if I was even equipped to handle motherhood it all took a massive toll on me. Looking back I'm so grateful my partner was around to help, he knew my struggles I'd cry constantly I'd even hide away in the bathroom sobbing my heart out. I was sure my baby hated me, every time I held him he would scream and cry, but once my partner took him he would be absolutely fine. I now understand that he was most probably picking up on my low mood and anxieties. After months of this, my family convinced me to see a doctor and I reluctantly agreed, I was so afraid they would think I was a bad mother and terrified they would take me away from him, but I was reassured by lots of people that that will never happen, and the doctor even advised me that the fact I was seeking help was a good sign. 

The day my appointment arrived I was shaking, sweating but I took a few deep breaths and I was finally called into the doctor's room, where I instantly burst into tears, I emptied a whole pack of tissues describing exactly how I felt and the awful intrusive thoughts I was experiencing. The doctor was lovely, she reassured me that I was experiencing postnatal depression. She told me to contact time to talk and prescribed me some anti-depressants. I'll be honest, I did take the tablets, however, I just couldn't handle talking to a stranger about my experiences, so instead, I spoke to my cousin who had experienced these types of feelings herself, and she knew exactly how I felt. After the tablets kicked in, I started to feel like myself again, granted it took weeks for me to feel a lot better, but they helped immensely. I'm so glad I got the help I needed. I owed it to my baby, I was much more relaxed and he stopped crying around me, instead he was looking up at me and smiling and it melted my heart. 

It's been 8 years since my son was born, and to this day I still suffer anxiety even though I'm on these tablets, it still helps so much to talk to somebody about it, I realize I'm not alone. If anybody is reading this who is feeling the same way as I have, please understand there is help, nobody is going to judge you, and if they do they are just a bunch of nasty assholes and not worth your time. Surround yourself with positive people who make you feel loved, safe and will never make you feel worthless because we do matter, mental health matters, and it's not something we do for attention. I dare those sort of people to walk an hour in our shoes, and then tell us were making it all up. 

So after reading this, I hope I've helped somebody who is feeling the same way I have, I'm available day or night for a chat if you're struggling and need to talk, I'm in no way a doctor, but sometimes it helps to talk to somebody with similar experiences. 

As always though please please please speak to a doctor if you're feeling depressed and anxious, they will help you. 

If you've made it this far then thank you so much for reading I'm so grateful to you all. ♥

Do you have anxiety or depression?? Or do you have both?? let me know below 

Stay safe ♥♥